I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
