i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
