Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
