best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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