If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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