she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
