I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
