my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
