You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
