i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
