Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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