i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
