I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
