remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
