Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
