You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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