i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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