Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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