Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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