No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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