ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
