i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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