Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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