We need to rekindle our bromance
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
