i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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