shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
cat food counts as protein by the way
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
