it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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