we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
