We're facebook friends in real life
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
