Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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