but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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