after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
