The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
