if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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