i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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