Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
