I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
