i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
