I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
