Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
