I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
