I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
