no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
