dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
