i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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