just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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