Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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