I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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