I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
