wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
