thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
